And my voice be still
As it was before
I will speak no more
I shall abide until
I am spoken for
If it be your will”
SUNDAY, MAY 3:40PM
Before reading this post please listen to The Song “I Grieve” By Peter Gabriel. You can listen to it while you read my blog as it will open in a separate tab. This song as it embodies the emotions that I am experiencing. It captures the moment of my life that I am living, right now. The lyrics are so perfect… There is something beautiful and something so raw about embracing life even when it means that we embrace the intensity of suffering, sadness and grief.
I am working through my emotions as I experience this miscarriage by journaling here on my blog. I have a hard time with allowing myself to cry, to feel. It is easier to numb myself. I have become quite good at. When I wrote the last two posts the flood gates opened in a way that I realized I needed. I only realized it after I opened to feeling the pain. It almost seems like I am not supposed to be grieving. Some of the questions I get like “how far along are you” is just code for “your not far enough along to be so upset.”
I was almost ready to numb myself through this but then I realized that I really am hurting and if I don’t face into that hurt it is going to come out sideways. It always does. Rather than stay in denial, or turn to anger as a means to control my pain, I am choosing to embrace the pain that comes from feeling everything, talking about it and processing it in the moment. It hurts. I still find I cannot stay in the moment with my feelings and allow myself the grief that is just below the surface because life does go on, and on and on and on. My children need me, my house has chores and there is work to be done. I keep having to push down the sadness and disappointment and grief.
I will keep updating this one post as I document the process of losing Kolbe. If you are just happening upon this blog post then you can read the first two posts by clicking the links. The first one, “I’m Having a Miscarriage” and “Deep Sorrow” will get you up to speed and I will put headers of the day and or times of the new entries…
Where am I at right now? Well, this image helps to make that clear. Right now I am angry at my body and I feel very alone.
I am angry with my body for failing to protect this precious little person. I feel alone because not everyone sees a miscarriage as the loss of a child. Instead it seems to be viewed as the way the body discards babies that were possibly genetically inferior and “for the best.” I don’t know why I am miscarrying but I do know that the reality is that I am losing a baby.
So where am I at in the process today? I am still waiting. I have a terrible back-ache, I am cramping but as of right now I am still waiting for my body to complete this process it seems to have committed itself to. There is light spotting of pinkish brown mucus. It reminds me of when I would go into labor. The first stage was losing the mucus plug. It was so exciting to see that process begin because it meant the long wait to have a baby was finally going to be over. It signaled that very soon, a baby would be placed into my arms. It signaled that a process was starting. It was a sign indicating that a process had begun in which the result would be my child leaving my body.
It means the same thing today but there is no joy in it for me. There is only grief. So I will walk into that. I will grieve.
Deep sorrow is emanating from within me as I fear every visit to the rest room.
It is 11:36pm and this final visit to the “John” tells me that Kolbe is leaving my body.
As more brown substance is wiped away, I take an overnight feminine napkin from my drawer. I realize this may be his or her final resting place. So sad am I that as I peel the paper off the adhesive and apply it to my undergarments, I watch as my tears soak it before the blood that will surely be there by morning.
Mary, please comfort me , I’m drowning…
This may be a bit of a difficult blog post to follow over the next few days but I’m finding that I need to use this blog to sort out my emotions during this inevitable miscarriage.
That’s right, I’m going to lose my child. Before I know if he or she is a he or she I am faced with the reality that I will never hold this child in arms not will it suckle at my breasts.
Science has revealed the future to me and I have mixed emotions about knowing that sooner rather than later this pregnancy will be ending.
Last week I went to have blood drawn to check the HCG levels in my blood. This test detects a level of a specific hormone that a newly conceived child produces after it implants in the uterus.
This hormone is the same hormone that darkens the second line on a urine test indicating pregnancy. If that hormone decreases rather than increases, it indicates that miscarriage is inevitable.
I found out 4 days ago that my levels decreased, a lot. The exact words from my doctor were;
I am sorry to half to tell you but this is not a viable pregnancy. Your quants have dropped and we need to have you stop all progesterone. You should be able to miscarry on your own by simply stopping the progesterone. It can take A few weeks but with the low quants I do not suspect it will take long if you have not already noted bleeding.
Things to be concerned about are very brisk bleeding, increased abd pain, fever, fould smelling discharge for which you need an acute evaluation
We do need to follow the quants down to normal
I would recheck next week Monday
I will keep you in prayer during this time
Love and prayers
I have a great Doctor, but it’s still hard to deal with, knowing I’m going to lose this baby.
I’m still waiting. The only sign of miscarriage this far is that just now, about 5 minutes ago I saw a tiny bit of pink and brown tinged colored mucus. Is this it? Is it beginning? Please Jesus, help me to bear this weight. It’s so painful. I’m grieving the impending loss of Kolbe, the name I’ve given this child. If it was a boy, I wanted to name him “Maximillian Kolbe” if a girl, Claira Kolbe. So it seems fitting, to call my son or daughter by his or her name, Kolbe.
I wonder if you are already with Jesus or if you are still hanging on, waiting with me as the numbers drop low enough till finally you can no longer hold on. I love you Kolbe, your omit and Opi, your brother and two other siblings cannot wait to meet you. Until then, know how very much I will miss you.
You are not a disorder, you are a person.
We are body, soul and spirit. We must bring healing to our own “Trinitarian” being (in the sense of being body, soul and spirit). Traditional therapy either wants to give pharmaceuticals or just discuss and manage symptoms of anxiety, thoughts or behavioral issues or perhaps to do all three but not to actually bring healing and restoration for the “whole” person.
Christ says He makes all things new. He promises us healing. Was He lying? Are we expecting too much? Are we giving the cross or God too much power? I say no. I say we do not expect enough. I believe Christ really has the power to work miracles. In fact, He worked miracles of healing and told the apostles that they would do all of the things He did and more! We are called to bring healing and deliverance to those in misery, to be a sign of His power. Christ desires to restore us. Our healing is to be a visible sign to the world that our God is an awesome God and that He Reigns in Heaven and on earth. He makes us whole. I believe he wants to heal our emotions and our memories, not just our bodies.
“Therefore if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creature; the old things pass away; behold, he is made new.” 2 Cor 5:17
We are not disorders. I believe many people who have been sexually abused or experienced traumatic childhoods like I did are actually dealing with identity wounds that distort their ability to know themselves and to know God. Being abused has a very real and powerful effect on shaping our identity. To merely dismiss that and label someone as being “disordered” is, in my opinion, causing more damage and in a sense, keeps their pain and cries for help unheard.
I realize we can categorize and diagnose and give our psychological disorders a name but what good is it to give it a name if you do not understand it enough to help bring healing?
Many of our disorders come from identity wounds. How do we get identity wounds? We get them when our true identity is distorted by shame. It may sound contradictory to say there is such a thing as “good shame” but in fact there is good shame and bad shame.
Good shame is felt when we are separating ourselves from God as well as others in a selfish way. It “prickles” our conscience and in this way it helps us to address a something we are doing that we know is wrong so that we can self-correct. This “prickling” of conscience is from our awareness that we have just separated ourselves from what is good and true. This not only helps us shape our morality but it also protects our self-respect. When we feel “good shame” we become aware that we have lost our innocence, motivates us to correct ourselves and turns us back to what we know is good.
Bad shame is more of an emotional torment and sickness to our very soul. It is what begins to poison and divide us from within our whole self. All of us have shortcomings and when they are used to ridicule us or to inflict “bad shame”, we tend to believe the lie that we are bad or unworthy and this new “truth” sears into our heart, mind and soul. We believe the lie that we are inferior, unworthy, undeserving and bad to the bone. Bad shame causes us to despair separating us from our only cure to what ails us, which is God’s mercy.
The inflicting of this debilitating shame comes from those closest to us and causes the deepest of wounds. When we are children, our beliefs are being shaped, especially our beliefs about who we are as persons. If the message we get is that we are bad or unlovable, it can become our identity. Identity wounds distort our ability to love ourselves, to love others and to love or know God.
the worse thing we can do to a person with identity wounds is to give them an identity as being “disordered”.
Lets think about the word “disorders” through the lens of Theology of the Body. For something to be disordered it has to have been rightly ordered but then gotten twisted up. When the John Paul II wrote about Original Man he reminds us that in Genesis that Adam was naked without shame. He had no desire or intention to use Eve as an object of pleasure for his own selfish needs or wants. They were both subjects of God and saw one another as persons. When sin entered the garden they were no longer seeing one another as subjects but as objects. They covered their “private parts” of their bodies in shame.
What was good and right became disordered due to sin. This is the reality of the world we live in. If this is true then we see we are all disordered in one way or another. If we are all disordered in some way how helpful is it to give a person made in the image and likeness of God a label of being disordered as if this is their identity or who they are as a person? I am guessing it could be potentially destructive and could create further woundedness. Let’s call disorders what they truly are, which is distortions of truth from which we base our lives and relationships upon.
We are complex human beings. The teachings of Theology of the Body helps us to get a bigger picture as to who we are as persons and how we are made to love and be loved as self-gift whereas psychology bases “truth” in disorders or distortions.
Our experiences in and through our bodies shape our understandings and beliefs and those beliefs can bind us up. We act on our beliefs and if those beliefs are disordered it goes to follow that so too may our actions be disordered. For example when I experienced the trauma of being sexually abused it created a deep wound that penetrated my identity, which distorted my whole “person”. Psychology may have helped me to understand the distortions and behaviors but Theology of The Body helped me to understand my wounds and their effect on my identity. It was this distorted identity that shaped my beliefs and those beliefs caused me to make the choices in my life that I did.
Looking at someone’s whole person, body, mind, emotions, memories, spirit etc is what needs to happen if we want a person to reclaim their greatness. Seeing the whole person as opposed to a disorder is what gives true hope for healing. Anything else merely treats a part of a person. Christ comes to make all things new, not part of things new.
Bl Anne Catherine Emmerich writes in her diary that God desired to bring about His plan of redemption sooner but began with St. Joachim and St. Anne because, she says, they were the first to love one another as an icon of “Trinitarian love.”
The trinity has been described through the lens of Theology of The Body as God giving Himself in perfect love as a free, full, faithful and fruitful gift to the Son and the Son giving Himself in a perfect love as a free, full, faithful and fruitful self-gift to the Father and the fire of this love between them IS the Holy Spirit.
According to Bl. Anne Catherine Emmerich it was St. Joachim giving himself in perfect love to St. Anne and St. Anne receiving that self gift and then giving herself in perfect love to St. Joachim and the fire of this love between them is what became the means from which Mary was then immaculately conceived.
But “Immaculate Conception”? How is that possible and why was it necessary? For me her Immaculate Conception is further proof that God is indeed outside of time and space. He is pure spirit so He is unaffected by time and space which exists in a physical world. It is logical that God could take the graces of Calvary and apply it to Mary as her soul was infused into her at the moment she was conceived in St. Anne’s womb. He created a perfect vessel, Christ makes all things new and she became the under of knots.
Perhaps it is in Mary’s unique capacity to be a reflection of the Holy Spirit that we can enter into the mystery of how she offers us a way in which to be most deeply permeated, espoused and penetrated by the Holy Spirit. Scripture tells us that Mary was cable of being so receptive, so open to the Holy Spirit, that she was espoused and thus conceived of the Holy Spirit and we are to beg for this same gift of receptivity.
We are called to open ourselves so completely that the Holy Spirit can find a dwelling place in which He can espouse Himself and conceive His divine life within us. We are called to bring life into the world, to make the incarnation known and visible by becoming the body of Christ. We are called to receive, conceive and birth Christ into the world through our Fiat, our yes! We are to be like living tabernacles, to be a monstrance from which Christ radiates to everyone who sees us. We are to radiate Christ and to be a star of Bethlehem. I have always desired this and because I am lazy and sinful I look for shortcuts. I know how my own limitations are what keep me from being able to do these things yet I still desire to embrace this greatness that I have been made for. That is why Marian Consecration is such a great gift to humanity.
We can learn so much when we contemplate how God’s plan for redemption began with Mary. Mary was free to choose sin just as Eve was. So God began with Mary because He was going to untie all of the knots tied by Original Sin. It began in the virginal garden of her womb. Like Eden, Mary’s garden was without sin or blemish. Just as Eve was given a choice to love, so too was Mary. Whereas Eve took from the tree of knowledge and closed herself to the will of God, Mary yes began when she “let it be done unto her” and the fruit of all knowledge, the Alpha and Omega was given to her. Mary’s yes to the Holy Spirit conceived the very life within her that would become the word made flesh and in His sacrifice of love, mankind would be saved from their sins.
Mary is the Undoer of Knots, she is our hope because she was mere creature, just as we are creature yet she did the will of God. Mary was no different than Eve was before the fall in that both were immaculate and without sin. Mary was completely capable of sinning and yet she did not. Mary is our proof that we can give our yes to God and be transformed, permeated and espoused by the Holy Spirit.
If you desire a double or triple portion of the Holy Spirit, then Consecrate yourself to Mary, she opens us wider than we can do on our own because she undoes the knot. Mary was what God chose to start with when He set the plan of redemption for the world into motion. He could have dropped Christ naked in the street, He could have chosen to come in flesh in any way He desired, yet the plan He chose was to undo the knots of the fall way back in the beginning.
When Christ makes All Things New, He makes ALL THINGS NEW. Mary, I ask that you intercede and show me how to open my heart to love like the Trinity and to help me to open myself in a bigger and more vulnerable way so that the Holy Spirit will find a home in my heart from which to bring life to the world in and through my yes to the Fathers plan. Mary, Undoer of Knots, pray for us. Amen
Please consider ordering my book on healing wounds from Sexual Abuse.
“EMBRACING YOUR GREATNESS: Healing Wounds and Reclaiming our greatness through Theology of the body.
You can get your copy by clicking the link.