Deep Sorrow

Deep sorrow is emanating from within me as I fear every visit to the rest room.

It is 11:36pm and this final visit to the “John” tells me that Kolbe is leaving my body.

As more brown substance is wiped away, I take an overnight feminine napkin from my drawer. I realize this may be his or her final resting place. So sad am I that as I peel the paper off the adhesive and apply it to my undergarments, I watch as my tears soak it before the blood that will surely be there by morning.

Mary, please comfort me , I’m drowning…

I’m having a miscarriage

This may be a bit of a difficult blog post to follow over the next few days but I’m finding that I need to use this blog to sort out my emotions during this inevitable miscarriage.

That’s right, I’m going to lose my child. Before I know if he or she is a he or she I am faced with the reality that I will never hold this child in arms not will it suckle at my breasts.

Science has revealed the future to me and I have mixed emotions about knowing that sooner rather than later this pregnancy will be ending.

Last week I went to have blood drawn to check the HCG levels in my blood. This test detects a level of a specific hormone that a newly conceived child produces after it implants in the uterus.

This hormone is the same hormone that darkens the second line on a urine test indicating pregnancy. If that hormone decreases rather than increases, it indicates that miscarriage is inevitable.

I found out 4 days ago that my levels decreased, a lot. The exact words from my doctor were;

“Dear Christina
I am sorry to half to tell you but this is not a viable pregnancy. Your quants have dropped and we need to have you stop all progesterone. You should be able to miscarry on your own by simply stopping the progesterone. It can take A few weeks but with the low quants I do not suspect it will take long if you have not already noted bleeding.

Things to be concerned about are very brisk bleeding, increased abd pain, fever, fould smelling discharge for which you need an acute evaluation
We do need to follow the quants down to normal
I would recheck next week Monday

I will keep you in prayer during this time
Love and prayers

Michelle”

I have a great Doctor, but it’s still hard to deal with, knowing I’m going to lose this baby.

I’m still waiting. The only sign of miscarriage this far is that just now, about 5 minutes ago I saw a tiny bit of pink and brown tinged colored mucus. Is this it? Is it beginning? Please Jesus, help me to bear this weight. It’s so painful. I’m grieving the impending loss of Kolbe, the name I’ve given this child. If it was a boy, I wanted to name him “Maximillian Kolbe” if a girl, Claira Kolbe. So it seems fitting, to call my son or daughter by his or her name, Kolbe.

I wonder if you are already with Jesus or if you are still hanging on, waiting with me as the numbers drop low enough till finally you can no longer hold on. I love you Kolbe, your omit and Opi, your brother and two other siblings cannot wait to meet you. Until then, know how very much I will miss you.
Mommy

You Are Not a Disorder, You Are a Person

original art by Christina King

original art by Christina King

You are not a disorder, you are a person.

We are body, soul and spirit.  We must bring healing to our own “Trinitarian” being (in the sense of being body, soul and spirit).   Traditional therapy either wants to give pharmaceuticals or just discuss and manage symptoms of anxiety, thoughts or behavioral issues or perhaps to do all three but not to actually bring healing and restoration for the “whole” person.

Christ says He makes all things new. He promises us healing. Was He lying? Are we expecting too much? Are we giving the cross or God too much power?  I say no.  I say we do not expect enough. I believe Christ really has the power to work miracles.  In fact, He worked miracles of healing and told the apostles that they would do all of the things He did and more! We are called to bring healing and deliverance to those in misery, to be a sign of His power.  Christ desires to restore us.  Our healing is to be a visible sign to the world that our God is an awesome God and that He Reigns in Heaven and on earth.  He makes us whole.  I believe he wants to heal our emotions and our memories, not just our bodies.

“Therefore if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creature; the old things pass away; behold, he is made new.” 2 Cor 5:17

We are not disorders.  I believe many people who have been sexually abused or experienced traumatic childhoods like I did are actually dealing with identity wounds that distort their ability to know themselves and to know God. Being abused has a very real and powerful effect on shaping our identity.  To merely dismiss that and label someone as being “disordered” is, in my opinion, causing more damage and in a sense, keeps their pain and cries for help unheard.

I realize we can categorize and diagnose and give our psychological disorders a name but what good is it to give it a name if you do not understand it enough to help bring healing?

identity wounds Many of our disorders come from identity wounds. How do we get identity wounds? We get them when our true identity is distorted by shame. It may sound contradictory to say there is such a thing as “good shame” but in fact there is good shame and bad shame.

Good shame is felt when we are separating ourselves from God as well as others in a selfish way.  It “prickles” our conscience and in this way it helps us to address a something we are doing that we know is wrong so that we can self-correct.  This “prickling” of conscience is from our awareness that we have just separated ourselves from what is good and true.  This not only helps us shape our morality but it also protects our self-respect.  When we feel “good shame” we become aware that we have lost our innocence, motivates us to correct ourselves and turns us back to what we know is good.

Bad shame is more of an emotional torment and sickness to our very soul.  It is what begins to poison and divide us from within our whole self. All of us have shortcomings and when they are used to ridicule us or to inflict “bad shame”, we tend to believe the lie that we are bad or unworthy and this new “truth” sears into our heart, mind and soul.  We believe the lie that we are inferior, unworthy, undeserving and bad to the bone.  Bad shame causes us to despair separating us from our only cure to what ails us, which is God’s mercy.

The inflicting of this debilitating shame comes from those closest to us and causes the deepest of wounds. When we are children, our beliefs are being shaped, especially our beliefs about who we are as persons. If the message we get is that we are bad or unlovable, it can become our identity.  Identity wounds distort our ability to love ourselves, to love others and to love or know God.

the worse thing we can do to a person with identity wounds is to give them an identity as being “disordered”.

borderline Personality Disorder

 

Lets think about the word “disorders” through the lens of Theology of the Body.  For something to be disordered it has to have been rightly ordered but then gotten twisted up.  When the John Paul II wrote about Original Man he reminds us that in Genesis that Adam was naked without shame.  He had no desire or intention to use Eve as an object of pleasure for his own selfish needs or wants.  They were both subjects of God and saw one another as persons.  When sin entered the garden they were no longer seeing one another as subjects but as objects.  They covered their “private parts” of their bodies in shame.

 

What was good and right became disordered due to sin.  This is the reality of the world we live in.  If this is true then we see we are all disordered in one way or another.  If we are all disordered in some way how helpful is it to give a person made in the image and likeness of God a label of being disordered as if this is their identity or who they are as a person? I am guessing it could be potentially destructive and could create further woundedness.  Let’s call disorders what they truly are, which is distortions of truth from which we base our lives and relationships upon.

We are complex human beings.  The teachings of Theology of the Body helps us to get a bigger picture as to who we are as persons and how we are made to love and be loved as self-gift whereas psychology bases “truth” in disorders or distortions.

Our experiences in and through our bodies shape our understandings and beliefs and those beliefs can bind us up.  We act on our beliefs and if those beliefs are disordered it goes to follow that so too may our actions be disordered. For example when I experienced the trauma of being sexually abused it created a deep wound that penetrated my identity, which distorted my whole “person”. Psychology may have helped me to understand the distortions and behaviors but Theology of The Body helped me to understand my wounds and their effect on my identity. It was this distorted identity that shaped my beliefs and those beliefs caused me to make the choices in my life that I did.

body

Looking at someone’s whole person, body, mind, emotions, memories, spirit etc is what needs to happen if we want a person to reclaim their greatness.  Seeing the whole person as opposed to a disorder is what gives true hope for healing.  Anything else merely treats a part of a person.  Christ comes to make all things new, not part of things new.

For information on finding freedom and healing with what is labeled as “Borderline Personality Disorder” order my book on LuLu  

 

Mary Is The Undoer of Knots Tied By Eve

Mary Of Knots, Pray for Us

Mary Of Knots, Pray for Us

 Bl Anne Catherine Emmerich writes in her diary that God desired to bring about His plan of redemption sooner but began with St. Joachim and St. Anne because, she says, they were the first to love one another as an icon of “Trinitarian love.”

 The trinity has been described through the lens of Theology of The Body as God giving Himself in perfect love as a free, full, faithful and fruitful gift to the Son and the Son giving Himself in a perfect love as a free, full, faithful and fruitful self-gift to the Father and the fire of this love between them IS the Holy Spirit.

 According to Bl. Anne Catherine Emmerich it was St. Joachim giving himself in perfect love to St. Anne and St. Anne receiving that self gift and then giving herself in perfect love to St. Joachim and the fire of this love between them is what became the means from which Mary was then immaculately conceived.

 But “Immaculate Conception”? How is that possible and why was it necessary? For me her Immaculate Conception is further proof that God is indeed outside of time and space.  He is pure spirit so He is unaffected by time and space which exists in a physical world.  It is logical that God could take the graces of Calvary and apply it to Mary as her soul was infused into her at the moment she was conceived in St. Anne’s womb. He created a perfect vessel, Christ makes all things new and she became the under of knots.

 Perhaps it is in Mary’s unique capacity to be a reflection of the Holy Spirit that we can enter into the mystery of how she offers us a way in which to be most deeply permeated, espoused and penetrated by the Holy Spirit.  Scripture tells us that Mary was cable of being so receptive, so open to the Holy Spirit, that she was espoused and thus conceived of the Holy Spirit and we are to beg for this same gift of receptivity.

 We are called to open ourselves so completely that the Holy Spirit can find a dwelling place in which He can espouse Himself and conceive His divine life within us.  We are called to bring life into the world, to make the incarnation known and visible by becoming the body of Christ.  We are called to receive, conceive and birth Christ into the world through our Fiat, our yes! We are to be like living tabernacles, to be a monstrance from which Christ radiates to everyone who sees us.  We are to radiate Christ and to be a star of Bethlehem.  I have always desired this and because I am lazy and sinful I look for shortcuts.  I know how my own limitations are what keep me from being able to do these things yet I still desire to embrace this greatness that I have been made for.  That is why Marian Consecration is such a great gift to humanity.

 We can learn so much when we contemplate how God’s plan for redemption began with Mary.  Mary was free to choose sin just as Eve was.  So God began with Mary because He was going to untie all of the knots tied by Original Sin. It began in the virginal garden of her womb.  Like Eden, Mary’s garden was without sin or blemish.  Just as Eve was given a choice to love, so too was Mary. Whereas Eve took from the tree of knowledge and closed herself to the will of God, Mary yes began when she “let it be done unto her” and the fruit of all knowledge, the Alpha and Omega was given to her.  Mary’s yes to the Holy Spirit conceived the very life within her that would become the word made flesh and in His sacrifice of love, mankind would be saved from their sins.

 Mary is the Undoer of Knots, she is our hope because she was mere creature, just as we are creature yet she did the will of God.  Mary was no different than Eve was before the fall in that both were immaculate and without sin.  Mary was completely capable of sinning and yet she did not.  Mary is our proof that we can give our yes to God and be transformed, permeated and espoused by the Holy Spirit.

 If you desire a double or triple portion of the Holy Spirit, then Consecrate yourself to Mary, she opens us wider than we can do on our own because she undoes the knot.  Mary was what God chose to start with when He set the plan of redemption for the world into motion.  He could have dropped Christ naked in the street, He could have chosen to come in flesh in any way He desired, yet the plan He chose was to undo the knots of the fall way back in the beginning.

When Christ makes All Things New, He makes ALL THINGS NEW. Mary, I ask that you intercede and show me how to open my heart to love like the Trinity and to help me to open myself in a bigger and more vulnerable way so that the Holy Spirit will find a home in my heart from which to bring life to the world in and through my yes to the Fathers plan. Mary, Undoer of Knots, pray for us.  Amen

MY BOOK ON HEALING WOUNDS FROM SEXUAL ABUSE IS DONE!

EMBRACING YOUR GREATNESS: HEALING WOUNDS AND RECLAIMING OUR GREATNESS THROUGH THEOLOGY OF THE BODY

EMBRACING YOUR GREATNESS: HEALING WOUNDS AND RECLAIMING OUR GREATNESS THROUGH THEOLOGY OF THE BODY

Please consider ordering my book on healing wounds from Sexual Abuse.

“EMBRACING YOUR GREATNESS: Healing Wounds and Reclaiming our greatness through Theology of the body.

 

You can get your copy by clicking the link.

ORDER YOUR COPY OF “EMBRACING YOUR GREATNESS” BY CLICKING THIS LINK

Our Lady of Guadalupe is Speaking

Our Lady of Guadalupe is Speaking to the Church of the 21st Century, but are we listening? 

Today is the Feast of   Our Lady of Guadalupe.  Many people think  she is only a image and others believe her to be a special devotion for the Mexican people.  The truth is that she is a living icon, a spiritual doorway wide open with supernatural grace flowing out to anyone in her presence.

I created this image

OLG: Mother of Mercy

The image on the Tilma of Juan Diego appeared in an instant, just as the image on the shroud of turin appeared in an instant.  Our Lady of Guadalupe is the Icon of the New Eve just as The Shroud of Turin is the Icon of the New Adam.   Both of these images are theology in color, telling us a story of truth, life and love.   These images are supernatural in that no one painted them and there are details such as the colors of the Tilma being neither animal, plant or mineral yet existing 200 years before synthetic dyes were invented.  So what is it? It is supernatural.

In the age of advanced technology we have discovered details within and about the Tilma that were always present but that we could not have known until now.  We need to shout form the roof tops that in an image where everything means something, these new discoveries mean something! Heaven has written a message to us and it has been waiting to be revealed until now, the age in which we would have the technology to discover it!

Using telescopic lenses 14 people were discovered in her eyes

Using telescopic lenses 14 people were discovered in her eyes

The fact that in Our Lady of Guadalupe’s eyes, there is not only the discovery of the Sanson-Purkinje effect, that of a living cornea, but also the discovery of 14 persons.  Juan Diego, Bishop Zummaraga, a mother with a child on her back and small children around her as well as others in the room at the time of the apparition.    What is God telling us about the Church and about the domestic family by capturing them in her eyes?

USING NASA SOFTWARE THE CONSTELLATIONS ARE DISCOVERED ON THE TILMA

USING NASA SOFTWARE THE CONSTELLATIONS ARE DISCOVERED ON THE TILMA

olg nasa

 

 

The fact that the constellations as they appeared in the morning sky of 1531 from Tepeyac Hill appear exactly on the tilma in perfect alignment.  We needed N.A.S.A. software and it’s advanced Kepler’s math to know this! The movie “The Star of Bethlehem” proves that the stars have told stories of biblical proportions since the birth of Jesus.  What story are the stars telling us? Why did God chose those particular constellations to  be there that morning so they could be captured on the tilma for us to discover hundreds of years later?

A MUSICAL COMPOSITION IS WITHIN THE TILMA

A MUSICAL COMPOSITION IS WITHIN THE TILMA

olg music 2

 

The fact that within the Tilma is a musical composition that can be found within the Tilma.  In October of 2012 we saw the canonization of St. Hildegard of Bingen.  She created music that brought healing to people.  She also was a prophet and told us of the anti-mary and the battle that would waged.  Could this musical composition be a song in which the vibrations and tones could bring real healing effects to the listeners? Why else would God put it there?

If you have not entered into the story of Our Lady of Guadalupe now is the time to do so.  She is calling up a mighty army and desires to heal, protect, form and lead us to Christ.  We are on the cusp of another Guadalupian miracle in which those living in the America’s will be privileged to witness mass healing’s and conversions.

If you have been feeling called by her, chances are your one of the chosen ones that she desires to particularly form because you will be on the front lines.  If you have not been consecrated to Mary yet, please consider doing so now. The battle we are in will require supernatural grace and protection form the evil one and consecration is the spiritual armor you need.

St. Louis DeMontfort has a great means of consecration and St. Maximilian Kolbe does as well.  I have done both and prefer Fr. Michael Gaitley’s “33 Day to Morning Glory” book and workbook.  I prefer it because he helps us understand why Mary is important.  Many of us have felt like it would be wrong to go to Mary instead of just going right to Jesus, but that is not the case.  Mary always leads and points us to her son.  She desires none of the glory.  She is just our model and our hope because she proves that we can do it! She proves that the power of the cross and the graces that flow from it are sufficient!  Mary was immaculately conceived just as Eve was immaculately conceived from the side of Adam.  What I mean is that Mary was as sinless as Eve was before the fall.  Mary could have sinned, she just didn’t.  She shows us what we are capable of with grace from Jesus Christ.  His book helps you to walk through this in such a beautiful way.  The workbook really helps us to open our hearts, which for many of us, have been hardened by sin and wounds and pain from our lives.

I pray that you enter into the story with me.  Heaven is sending us a message of truth, life and love and that message is going to change the world!  Will you join in?

 

 

 

 

Why I love “Survivor”

Why I love Survivor

 Survivor

Say what you will about reality television, for me I have loved watching “Survivor” on CBS from the day it first aired in May of 2000.   For those of you that don’t know what Survivor is, let me enlighten you.

survivor 16

The show takes 16 total strangers and maroons them on a remote tropical island for 33 days.

survivor_maps_world_map

The players are split into two “tribes”.   While living on the island each tribe lives off the land with limited supplies of beans and rice.  They must forage for food and start fires the way cavemen did.

tribes challenge

They live together in a shelter that they must build themselves and usually have only the clothes on their backs.

shelter

The tribes compete against each other in “challenges” which consist of puzzles, obstacle courses, relay races, memory games or eating disgusting local foods.

food

 

The challenges in which they compete are either for a reward, which is usually a luxury item (blankets, soap etc.) or immunity.   The immunity challenges protect a tribe from having to go to “tribal council” in which they must vote off one of their own members.

council

 

survivor

 

At the halfway point in the show, about day 11, the remaining persons on each tribe are merged together forming one new tribe.  At this point they begin competing as individuals.  The people who are voted off at this point become the “jury”.  The jury consists of the last players voted off (they are housed at a nearby resort).   Every other night the jury attends tribal council to see how everything plays out until the last 3 players are standing.

final three

 

When the tribe consists of “final three”, there is a final tribal council.  At this tribal council the last players plead their case to the jury as to why they believe they deserve to be voted as the winner of Survivor.  They must explain how they have outwitted, outplayed and outlasted everyone else.   They also face a group of persons who get to question them in turn.  Whoever gets the most jury votes wins a million dollars.

 

So now your probably thinking, “What a waste of time!” or perhaps “why in the world is this one of your favorite shows?” or “why are you using so many air quotes?”

 

The answer is relationships.  I don’t love this show because they eat grubs or swim relays or start fires with friction.  I love this show because of the people and their relationships.

moment

When the season begins I am introduced to 16 people that I don’t know and will never know as a personal experience, but I do get to know them.  Over the several months of the show I watch them form alliances, make friends, share personal stores about their lives as well as plot and strategize how to win “the game”.

top moment

I see how each person treats others or how they establish relationships (or don’t).  I listen to their individual commentaries as they are each taken (privately) throughout the show to discuss the game as it unfolds.  They tell the camera why they are doing what they are doing, how they feel about it and how it is affecting them.   This is a great way to understand more about who they are.  It’s like reading the inner dialogue of a character in a book.

 

What have I seen?

 

I have seen the good.  I have watched people give up food to give it to their tribe, sacrifice a visit with a family member to allow another person to receive that luxury and I have seen people give up immunity in attempts to save another.

immunity

I have seen the bad.  I have watched emotional meltdowns, manipulation, and lying, cheating, stealing and downright bad sportsmanship like throwing challenges just to vote someone out.

colton hateful

I have watched the ugly.  I have seen people burn others clothing to make them miserable, destroy a food supply to make their tribe starve and I have seen players orchestrate deceptions resulting in an entire tribe ganging up on one individual and verbally and emotional abusing them.

 

hantz rice

Everything I have seen has taught me a lot about how people hide from who they really are.  Some use rationalization saying, “it’s just a game”.  Many manipulate or use people all the while denying that their actions speak about who they are as persons, after all it is “just a game”.

 

These persons often despise those who are kind and honest.  They see those players as “weak” and untrustworthy.  After all, the players that are honest cannot be expected to lie and cheat and steal as they do so they are a “liability”.  It doesn’t always go like this.  It depends on the tribe.  Get one very wounded and unhealthy person on a tribe and they will either get voted off or they will take over the game.

heros

 

Regardless of how a person “plays the game”; we still see each person’s heart.  What I see is people hearts being poured out on screen as the games literally breaks them open.  All facades are stripped away, there is no hiding the true self, not on Survivor; everyone is broken open there.

crying

The lack of things to do, the harshness of daily life, the constant companionship, the exhaustion, the lack of food, all cracks open the shells used to protect themselves.  We see all of the wounds a person is carrying in their hearts as they are broken open and poured out on screen.  While it is true that we are seeing an edited version of reality, we are still able to see into the hearts of each person as we watch how they “play the game”.

 

What I don’t like is when the contestants begin to tell the camera that they are going to lie and cheat and steal and do whatever it takes to win because, after all, it’s only a game.  They go on and on about how this is not the kind of person they are, they are separating out who they are from how the game requires people to play.

 

This could not be farther from the truth.  The choices we make everyday and in every situation IS life.  Survivor is not a game, it is a competition in which people compete and the person they are factors into how they “play the game”.

 

I like watching this show because I learn about people.  I learn how to love people better.   When I watch Survivor I learn about all kinds of people dealing with all kinds of issues and I learn how to love them better. When I see how wounds that people carry in their hearts effects their capacity to love others, I am reminded to love them anyways.    I can love people when I can see how what they are doing to me might be more about something hurting in them and less about trying to hurt me.   This is when we truly begin to see one another.   It’s like our sin is a figurative fig leaf that helps us to hide ourselves from being truly seen.  The irony? We all desperately long to be seen.

pics

Survivor has taught me that what you see is NOT what you get.  Do not judge a book by its cover.   Every person has become who he or she is through the circumstances of their lives.   We can love them better when we learn to see the forest through the trees.  Meaning? We can love people better when we learn to truly see them.

What Gives You Passion and Purpose to Persevere?

photo-1

Each of us has been created for a reason. When we discover it, we find our passion and purpose in life. The trick is to always keep it before our eyes. In doing this, we may be consoled during periods of desolation.

How do we keep our passion and purpose before our eyes? Is it like a photograph in the back of a soldier’s pocket during wartime? For soldiers, a photograph would console them as war waged all around. We too need something to take out and gaze upon as the challenges of life press in upon us.

What might your photograph look like? What consoles you most when the difficulties and sufferings of life feel that they might consume you?

St. Therese of Lisieux created such a photograph for herself. She created a coat of arms. Many of us would say it is like a family crest. In it she placed symbols that described her spirituality, her relationship with God and what her mission in life was. It was a snapshot of her passion and her purpose that would give her perseverance.

theresa coat of arms

Here is the description of St. Theresa of Lisieux, The Child of Jesus, The Little Flower’s Coat of Arms;

Theresa coat description

After seeing that St. Theresa created her own snapshot to make visible the invisible reality of what gives her passion and purpose in life, I decided to create my own. I encourage anyone that is desiring perseverance admits the struggles and tribulations of daily life to create their own and put it somewhere they can look upon for consolation. If you do not feel artistically inclined but still desire to create a coat of arms then consider checking out the online website that helps you step by step to create your own.

Beauty will save the world because it inspires within human beings passion and purpose along with the very virtues necessary to live it out. Here is a description of my own Coat of Arms that I have put together while contemplating what gives me passion and purpose.

The Garden

The Garden

I will start with myself. If the world was a garden, what flower would you be and why?

I would be the Lily of The Valley. It grows in darkness. My childhood was one of darkness and yet God’s grace sustained me. As a child the Lily of the Valley grew in the shade of one of the many houses I lived in. The smell is one of my most favorite. It’s delicate bell like blossoms are like pearls on a string. I would like to think I resemble this flower.

I have put 10 blossoms because the pearls in my life are my 10 children. Eight of my children are still living.

The Three round circles are a family from which my children sprung from. It is also the love of the bride and bridegroom from which this free, full, faithful and fruitful comes and from which we are called into union and communion. It seemed appropriate to put this relationship in my coat of arms as it is the tender, gentle and sweet love of the Bridegroom which has wooed me to Himself. Theology of the Body helps us to understand the trinitarian love of God in this same light and has become my life’s work.

Mary My Mother

Mary My Mother

Mary is responsible for bringing me to Jesus. This is so perfect since I grew up without a presence of a father in my life. My parents divorced when I was 3 months old and there were years that went by without ever seeing him. The step-father in my life sexually, physically, mentally and emotionally abused me. My conversion came through her direct intercession. I read stories about her appearing in Fatima and began to learn about who God is and about the love of Jesus.

I used two triangles in union to symbolize Mary (blue triangle facing up to heaven) and how she was espoused with the Holy Spirit (the green triangle facing down toward earth). The Immaculate Heart (flowers on heart) of Mary is in the center of the two triangles with 7 swords (7 sorrows) piercing her heart. This is because I believe I have been called to build up her army and the secrets she holds enables us to crush the head of the serpent.

“In the Holy Spirit’s union with Mary we observe more than the love of two beings; in one there is all the love of the Blessed Trinity; in the other all of creations love. So it is that in this union heaven and earth are joined, all of heaven with all of earth; the totality of eternal love with the totality of created love. It is truly the summit of love.” St. Maximilian Kolbe

Screen Shot 2013-05-31 at 4.01.35 PM

Above Mary, we are led to the source and summit. The Sacred Heart of Jesus, inflamed with love for all mankind is surrounded by thorns. The green in them reminds us that His suffering and sacrifice is life-giving. His heart is crowned because Jesus Christ is my King. My name reminds me of this. Christina King, like Christ the King is how I help people remember my name. The Halo is representative of my love of iconography. The Nahuatl Glyph found in the tilma of Our Lady of Guadalupe has so much meaning I barely know where to start. Let’s just say is symbolizes Divine Mercy, Bl. Pope John Paul II, the Church and the establishment of a new civilization of love which I have been called to help bring into existence. The rays flow from the mouth as they do in the tilma symbolizing the writings of St. Faustina.

Jesus I trust in You

Jesus I trust in You

The motto of my crest is “Jesus, I trust In You” and it is in German. I am the first generation to be born in the United States. I chose German because so much of my identity is tied to my German heritage.

Finally, the top cross has the letters J.M.J. to symbolize Jesus, Mary and Joseph as well as Archbishop Fulton Sheen. I have been called to evangelize as a teacher, in media and through speaking and I fell in love with ArchBishop Fulton Sheen very early on in my conversion. I still pray for him to intercede for me.

This is a simple example of how we can create an image to be our own coat of arms. This image can help to inspire us when we need it most.

Becoming an “Unbound” B.A.K.E.R.

ropes on wrists

This past weekend I attended the “Unbound Leadership Conference” put on by Heart of The Father Ministries. I was able to meet Neal Lozano, who has written a number of books helping people to find real freedom in Christ by utilizing this very simple and duplicable model of deliverance.

Me and Neal

The word deliverance can scare some people but I like what Neal say’s about it. To say that deliverance is about the devil is like saying that the Exodus story in Genesis is about Pharaoh. Deliverance is about Christ setting the captives free. It is about the power of Jesus Christ that is given to us in baptism, renewed and refreshed through repentance and reconciliation and empowered by the gifts of the Holy Spirit released in confirmation. However, some of us have not been renewed and refreshed. Some of us have not been reconciled and have not asked for the Holy Spirit to release the gifts of confirmation.

bird out of cage

When we are not free to love and be loved then we are not making the invisible visible through our lives and our example. We are to be the body of Christ, yet some of us are still bound up from the lies we believe, the vows we have made, the judgments of others and when this effects our identities we are cut off from the very life giving source that we must draw upon.

So how do we listen to the Holy Spirit? How do we find freedom? How do we refresh, reconcile and release the Holy Spirit in us and through us?

The first thing we have to do is pray to the Holy Spirit. COME HOLY SPIRIT COME! It can begin with simplest of prayers, really it can.

key whole

Before going through the 5 Keys of Unbound, we need to call upon the Holy Spirit and we need to learn to listen to what the Holy Spirit desires to do in our hearts. If you rush into the 5 keys without the Holy Spirit, the 5 keys can become like the keys you have in your junk drawers at home. You know they open something, but you don’t know what.

Here is how you begin. Call upon the Holy Spirit. Pray for Him to release the gifts within and through you.

I would like to show how those that use the examination of conscience taught in the book “33 Days to Morning Glory” can really benefit by incorporation the 5 keys taught in the Unbound model.

Fr. Michael Gaitley’s “B.A.K.E.R. examination of conscience, when utilizing the 5 keys of Unbound, can be truly effective because you can then hear what the Holy Spirit desire for you to know. Rather than just using introspection or merely “thinking” about your shortcomings or sinful patterns or behaviors.

It is a gentle way to go into what I like to call the “bad neighborhoods” of our past. There may be many things we need to repent of. Where do we start so we do not get overwhelmed? I heard a Catholic Answers speaker say that our pasts are like bad neighborhoods, you would not want to go in there without some protection or you will get the cr*P beat out of you. So before we go looking at all the places we have failed and come up short or down right sinned, let us first begin by having the Holy Spirit remind us who God is and who we are. So we begin with B

B=Blessings

We begin by looking at the places in which we have seen the blessings in our lives. We begin with going to the truth and seeing who the Father is and how He has blessed us. This is our “consolations”. Our identities may have been beaten up by the broken people of the world sinning out of their own wounds and this can cause us to have difficulty with knowing who we truly are. Some of us self-justify, or have shame or feelings of unworthiness, we misinterpret God’s intentions or circumstances in our lives and others just do not believe God desires to share intimate secrets with their hearts alone. Whatever the struggles, we must begin with looking to our consolations and blessings and rest in the truth that God is good and that He loves us as we are, right now, today, faults and all.

A= Ask

Now we call once again upon the Holy Spirit and ask for the Holy Spirit to enlighten our minds as to what God desires for us to know about where there are barriers to Him, or where we are in need of repentance. This is the first Key of the Unbound Model.

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1. Repentance and Faith

When we ask the Holy Spirit He can reveal the root issue instead of the surface things that continue to plague us. For instance, if we have anger issues, raging when things feel out of control or when someone “attacks” us or our worth, we could think our issue is anger. This is how clever the Father of lies is. Anger and rage is a distress symptom of a deeper issue. The Holy Spirit knows the gentlest way to guide you to truth and freedom and He desires to woo His bride gently, He does not desire to kick in your doors or expose you in shame. When we ask Him to lead us to the root, we then can have our hearts moved by His tender Mercy to true repentance.

He can show us that the anger is a reaction to a lie in our heart, an inner vow we have made that locks His healing truth out or perhaps of a judgment we have made about other people or even about God Himself. Anger is a symptom of an idolatry of control. Control is an idol we use to protect ourselves or manage our fears due to powerless wounds or perhaps even fear bonds formed that cause us to believe that God does not save, or He does but will not save us.

When walked through the repentance key, it is so comforting to hear the words of the Prayer team acknowledging and affirming your fear and your deeper desire while at the same time, asking God to forgive you for your judgments, your lack of faith. “In the name of Jesus Christ, I ask your forgiveness for not believing I could trust you.” “Forgive me Jesus for using control as an idol instead of coming to you.” This “Asking” is a beautiful way to know what God desires to start with. If we merely think about our shortcomings, our failures and our limitations to love, we will soon despair. When we look at our sin without the Mercy of Jesus Christ and can easily be convinced by the father of lies that we are not forgiven, our sin is too big or perhaps our God will not save us. If we do not ask the Holy Spirit to lead us in this, those that do repent may do it out of shame, fear of judgment or to be “good” rather than to find healing and reconciliation. This will not set the captives free, but causes the lies to dig themselves in deeper. If the root wound is powerlessness and fear, then we find other ways to “control” so as to not open to God. Anger is symptom of an idolatry of control as a means to self-protect so you see repentance must come from the heart. It is handing the reigns over to Christ, both of them. If we continue to hold onto one of the reigns, we cannot go in the direction God desires to take us in.
key
2. Forgiveness

When we ask the Holy Spirit to reveal where we need to forgive we become aware of places we are bound up that we may never have even realized we were not yet set free! He knows all and everything. He knows where pain has caused us to not yet forgiven someone. He knows where we still believe someone does not deserve our forgiveness. He knows where we still desire someone to make atonement for what they did to us. He knows where we are so afraid of dealing with our emotions or anger that we have made unforgiveness and our anger a means to protect our hearts. He sees past false humility to the pride that tries to justify our unforgiveness, He knows where we still do not understand the depths of His ocean of Mercy and He even knows which evil spirits are binding us up of our own free will. The Holy Spirit will gently reveal where we need to forgive, He will lead us there and He will help to set us free.

“In the name of Jesus I forgive my Father for leaving me as a baby and never getting to know me as a daughter. In the name of Jesus I forgive my father for not wanting to be in my life and for not coming to my graduation from high school or college”. In the name of Jesus, I forgive my father for not holding my hand, for not holding me in his arms and for not being there to protect me as a child.”

Forgiveness is not about giving up your rights or even excusing what someone has done to you. It is about allowing God to work it all out to His better good and glory and relinquishing it’s power over you by trusting in the Father. When an intercessor gives you the words, just hearing them said to you out loud is a validation that what was done to you requires forgiveness. When you repeat them, you can feel the healing salve being administered to your heart. It is freeing in that very moment.

K=Kills

What killed or desolated you today? When did your heart drop in your chest from what was done to you or what you had done to someone else? We are not to make major decisions in times of desolation because the father of lies is so good at manipulating our emotions that we are not free to see rightly. When we ask the Holy Spirit to show us the daily desolations, we see where we the wounds of others were at work and it may not have been our cross to carry. We also see the places the enemy is stirring up our emotions to cause us to believe his lies, to make more judgments or vows that separate us from God and in doing so cause us forget that our Father in Heaven knew what He was getting when He made us, we are no surprise to God, yet He so desired us that He willed us into existence despite how He knew we would fail Him. This leads me to the third key.

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3. Renounce

“In the Name of Jesus Christ, I renounce the spirit of control. In the name of Jesus Christ, I renounce the Spirit of Anger and unforgiveness”. When we renounce, we break any agreements we have made with the liar and turn our faces back to the Father. We are breaking the ties that bind us. I also believe the renewal of our baptismal vows is a powerful way to renounce the enemy and his lies. It is renouncing Satan, his pomps and works and empty promises. Many of us have had relationships outside of covenant marriage or have been involved with the occult. There are tarot cards, Ouiji boards, wearing crystals and more. These things must be renounced. “In the name of Jesus Christ I renounce any physical or spiritual ties with NAME and I take back what I gave to HIM/Her.” Every day we should be going through B.A.K.E.R. with the 5 Keys of Unbound. When we get to the 3rd key, we need to renounce anything that the Holy Spirit has inspired for us to renounce.

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4. Authority

“In the name of Jesus Christ, I command every evil spirit and spirits associated to it that I have renounced and every spirit behind the sins I have confessed to leave me right now and go directly to the foot of the cross”. “Thank you Jesus for setting me free from the influence of evil spirits. Thank you Father for sending your son to save me.” Amen

This is about being set free and Jesus Christ has that authority and power. We, by virtue of our baptism can call upon this power of Jesus Christ and command what we renounce in His name as well as any of the powers and principalities infesting or oppressing us to leave! We need to stand in the authority that we as Christians have been given. Christ said that we would do “all these things and even greater things than this” and He meant it.
“Truly, truly, I say to you, he who believes in Me, the works that I do, he will do also; and greater works than these he will do; because I go to the Father.” John 14:12

Greater works? Yes!!! We will be set free so that we can bring Christ to others so that they too can find healing and freedom!

E=Embrace

This coincides with the final key of Unbound. When we embrace the love of the Father we embrace the greatness of God’s love, the gifts He desires to share with the world through our yes, we embrace the Fathers Blessing.

key
5. The Fathers Blessing

Did you know that your name is very important? For all of the years I have traveled and spoke around the country I have noticed that peoples names strangely revealed how God was using them as instruments of His divine will. I began experimenting and by telling people (before they told me) what it was that I thought they were doing in ministry. Not only would I be right but when I was wrong it was not because I was wrong at all but it was because it was on their hearts to do but they had not answered that stirring in their heart.

All throughout the bible we are shown that names matter so much that even Paul was renamed to ensure his name matched his calling. Isaac was so named because his mother laughed. All of us have names that were inspired in our parents because of the movements of the Holy Spirit because our name was written on God’s heart before it ever was uttered on our parents lips. At the moment He names us our name lit up the heavens and flashed like a comet through the stars and throughout the entire universe heralding our goodness as unique and unrepeatable persons with dignity, honor and great worth beyond price. I challenge you to look up your name. If you cannot find your name to mean something that reveals your call then email me because I guarantee I can. What is your confirmation name? I have been told we do not pick our confirmation Saint, the Saint picks us. The Holy Spirit attracts us to that Saint because they will help protect the mission in which we have been chosen to fulfill.

The Fathers blessing is something that all of us must embrace because it heals the wounds it fills the empty and formless void so that we can see what was always there but never realized, we have been chosen, we have been called by name.

R=Reconcile

The final examen peace is to reconcile. This is another word for being set free! When our hearts are freed to love we desire to reconcile, to bring healing and freedom to others. When we realize we reacted in a way to self-justify and in doing so hurt someone we love, our first inclination upon healing is to run to them like the prodigal son and say please, please forgive me! I desire to make amends and to restore what was broken between us.

If you have not heard of Unbound I challenge you to discover what has continued to bring me great freedom and healing. If you have not consecrated yourself to Mary I would prayerfully suggest you read my article on why she is the one that helps us to receive our triple portion of the Holy Spirit. If you desire for the Holy Spirit to permeate you, transform you and make you a new creature in Christ, then Mary is the perfect mold from which to pour ourselves into because she formed the body of Christ in her womb.

We are going to set the world ablaze with Fire of Christ’s love! Come and Join me as there are many, many captives that need to be set free. Will you join me?

heart of father

What is Heart of the Father Ministries? It say’s this on their website.

“Heart of the Father Ministries empowers people to reclaim their true identity in Christ as sons and daughters of the Father through Unbound:Freedom in Christ ministry.

Heart of the Father is dedicated to equipping people throughout the world to take hold of the freedom they have been given in Christ and to help others do the same by using the principles of the Five Keys as found in Unbound.

Unbound Guidebok

The Five Keys are taught and implemented at the Unbound: Freedom in Christ Conferences and through a growing network committed to proclaiming this message.”

The 5 Keys of Unbound

1. Repentance and Faith
2. Forgiveness
3. Renounce
4. Authority
5. Father’s Blessing

Zombie Apocalypse; We are the walking wounded

IF
Have you noticed there are a lot of zombie movies and television shows lately? It is as if Hollywood can see what so many of us are refusing to see. We are the walking wounded. We may not live in the biblical times of leprosy but we certainly live in a time of spiritual leprosy. We live in a fallen world and with fallen people. The new normal is not man and wife with three kids a dog, a house and a white picket fence. In fact, I am not even sure what the new normal is, but it is definitely not the “traditional” family. The movies we watch that are depicting human beings as zombies, are closer to the truth than most tv sitcoms.
zombie
We are all wounded in some way. Some of us are living with the effects of sexual abuse or physical abuse; some of us were abandoned by our parents. Still others were emotionally abused or psychologically traumatized by alcoholic or drug addicted parents or even others were ritualistically abused. Whatever the your childhood, chances are you either experienced abuse or neglect yourself or someone very close to you did. The effects of abuse wounds us and it is in through these wounds that we begin to form our understandings and beliefs about who we are, who God is and whether or not we believe in anyone or anything.

The wounds that are inflicted upon us are openings to evil or negativity. Call it what you will, it is through wounds that we are opened up and it is as these moments we can become bound up as prisoner to our pain, our fears and the vows that we make to ourselves.
nailed
If you or someone you know feels they are nailed to their cross instead of carrying it, then this book may be an answer to prayer. I have endured many of the abuses listed above. I have done what most do, I have gone on to wound others in the very way in which I am wounded. It is an irony that is not lost on me. However, it is helpful to recognize this because it helps us to discover the root wounds buried and hidden deep with us. When we see how we wound others, or we meet people that create a distress in us, usually it is a neon sign, pointing us to an area that we need healing in.
neon
I am hoping that those of you that are seeking healing are inspired by my story but are also given the courage to be vulnerable in ways you have dared not to for so very long.
bridegroom
It is in being vulnerable that we are able to open ourselves to the Bridegroom. Jesus is the Bridegroom and knows all of the secrets of our story. He desires to make us whole and it is only through His grace that we can be transformed. I am here to say it is not only possible, but what you might believe to be your greatest flaw or ugliest secret may just be the birthplace of greatness.
chosen

Each of us were created by God and chosen out of all the “potential” people God could have created to come into existence. God knew what He was getting when He created me, He knew how I would fall, how I would fail Him and yet He did it anyway. I am no surprise to God. He chose me! When we created me, He chose to make me female because God has a plan for my life and being a woman is part of His plan. People do bad things. Our free will allows for that. It’s called God’s permissive will. He does not actively will it, but He promised after the flood that He would not interfere directly against our will. He sealed it with a promise for all to see with a rainbow.

heart
God gives each of us gifts and charisms to enable us to more perfectly carry out our calling yet each of us are given a choice as to whether or not we chose to live out our calling. When we are abused, we begin to lose our ability to function as a “whole” person because our very personhood is wounded. These wounds go very deep and actually separate us from being able to see truth, to love and to be loved and may even destroy our lives in the process. Joy becomes an abstract concept and not a personal experience for the person with wounds.

The wounds created in us many times lead to sin. Many people wound in the very ways in which they were wounded as a means to protect themselves. Many people who abuse were abused themselves.
new
Here is the Good News! Christ came to restore us! He makes all things new! When our wounds are redeemed and washed clean in the blood of Christ we are made new. The very places you feel the most broken become your most beautiful gifts. He will shine out of your wounds in ways that will not only transform you, but it will transform the people around you. His light shines through our wounds revealing hope and healing on the other side.

Come and put your fingers into my wounds so that you too will believe. Open your hearts and minds to not only believe but to receive your own healing because today is the day of freedom!
fingers in wounds
I want to issue a warning for those of you that are easily disturbed by stories that include abuse. While I am not descriptive in every detail, I do share my story of abuse. Please feel free to skip over areas that may be to troubling to you to read. Make note of anything that you read that stirs up fear or anxiety in a journal so you can go back to it later in prayer. Often times, our reactions that are distressing are actually distress symptoms of something within our own hearts that God desires to heal in us. It is the distress symptom that acts as the treasure map so that we can find the hidden areas within us that once discovered and healed, will be our greatest treasure and pearl of great worth.

This book is about my journey of healing from the wounds of my childhood. It is because I did not want to pass on my wounds to my own children, and because I no longer desire to live out of my wounds, that I embarked on a journey of self-discovery. The reason I have decided to write this book is because of the freedom I have found on that journey. I have received more healing in the last year by this method than all of the 30 years of counseling combined.

I was three the year I was sexually abused for the first time. But I have been healed and created anew!

I was three the year I was sexually abused for the first time. But I have been healed and created anew!


I cannot contain it for myself, I must share it because I see so many people in my travels that are broken, hurting, alone, lost and suffering under the weight of their own weaknesses and I desire to be Simon to them. In fact, once we gain freedom from our wounds, they become transformed and begin to radiate Christ to all those around us. Let me share my own journey with you and say a simple prayer of agreement now, “Come Holy Spirit, Come” so that perhaps you too will be made new.
If one person finds freedom and joy because of my story, then I will know I did the right thing in sharing my story.