I Grieve

Martin Hudáček’s sculpture entitled “Memorial for Unborn Children

Martin Hudáček’s sculpture entitled “Memorial for Unborn Children

SUNDAY, MAY 3:40PM

Before reading this post please listen to The Song “I Grieve” By Peter Gabriel. You can listen to it while you read my blog as it will open in a separate tab.  This song as it embodies the emotions that I am experiencing.  It captures the moment of my life that I am living, right now.  The lyrics are so perfect…  There is something beautiful and something so raw about embracing life even when it means that we embrace the intensity of suffering, sadness and grief.

I am working through my emotions as I experience this miscarriage by journaling here on my blog.  I have a hard time with allowing myself to cry, to feel.  It is easier to numb myself.  I have become quite good at.  When I wrote the last two posts the flood gates opened in a way that I realized I needed.  I only realized it after I opened to feeling the pain. It almost seems like I am not supposed to be grieving.  Some of the questions I get like “how far along are you” is just code for “your not far enough along to be so upset.”

I was almost ready to numb myself through this but then I realized that I really am hurting and if I don’t face into that hurt it is going to come out sideways.  It always does.   Rather than stay in denial, or turn to anger as a means to control my pain,  I am choosing to embrace the pain that comes from feeling everything, talking about it and processing it in the moment.  It hurts.  I still find I cannot stay in the moment with my feelings and allow myself the grief that is just below the surface because life does go on, and on and on and on.  My children need me, my house has chores and there is work to be done.  I keep having to push down the sadness and disappointment and grief.

I will keep updating this one post as I document the process of losing Kolbe.  If you are just happening upon this blog post then you can read the first two posts by clicking the links.  The first one, “I’m Having a Miscarriage” and “Deep Sorrow”  will get you up to speed and I will put headers of the day and or times of the new entries…

Where am I at right now? Well, this image helps to make that clear. Right now I am angry at my body and I feel very alone.

baby miscarriage

I am angry with my body for failing to protect this precious little person. I feel alone because not everyone sees a miscarriage as the loss of a child.  Instead it seems to be viewed as the way the body discards babies that were possibly genetically inferior and “for the best.”  I don’t know why I am miscarrying but I do know that the reality is that I am losing a baby.

So where am I at in the process today? I am still waiting. I have a terrible back-ache, I am cramping but as of right now I am still waiting for my body to complete this process it seems to have committed itself to.  There is light spotting of pinkish brown mucus. It  reminds me of when I would go into labor. The first stage was losing the mucus plug.   It was so exciting to see that process begin  because it meant the long wait to have a baby was finally going to be over.  It signaled that very soon, a baby would be placed into my arms.  It signaled that a process was starting.  It was a sign indicating that a process had begun in which the result would be my child leaving my body.

It means the same thing today but there is no joy in it for me.   There is only grief.  So I will walk into that.  I will grieve.

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Intercourse Of The Heart

“O Church, pilgrim and suffering, of which I am the Mother, you must understand that the center of your life, the fount of your grace, the source of your light, the beginning of your apostolic action is found only here in the tabernacle where Jesus is truly kept…The more your life revolves wholly and entirely at the foot of the tabernacle, in intimate union with Jesus in the Eucharist, the more you will increase in holiness. (#360 c, d, B).

Image 

This is a quote from Fr. Gobbi’s book on what Our Lady spoke to him for the Church.  I read this on a card given to me by Lilla Marie, a woman that is now apart of who am I not merely someone I met or someone that I know.  In fact, I know her as an experience, which is internal rather than external.  I met the love of God in that place.  I learned something about God there and so desire to share it with anyone who is seeking their own identity or seeking to “know” God and His calling on their own lives.  I think for me, this is going to transform how God will evangelize in and through me.  Here is what I believe the Holy Spirit showed me.

 

The source of light, the font of grace to be center of our lives is the tabernacle that is not an external thing (although certainly we know Jesus is there) but in a mystical tabernacle within our hearts.  Mary is the mystical declaration of this truth as first tabernacle.  She embodied the incarnation of God, Jesus Christ within the tabernacle of her womb and she brought Jesus within this tabernacle of her heart to the world when she visited Elizabeth.  In this demonstration she revealed what we are to do when Christ “lives” within us.  We are to bring Him to others and their birthplace within them will “leap” for joy when they receive Him through us.

 

Intercourse of the heart is a 2-fold mystery.  When we spend time with Jesus in the flesh a mystical infusion, penetration and intercourse with our hearts takes place and his “seed” is ejaculated there onto (hopefully) a receptive and fertile ground within us bringing about supernatural life.

 

It renews and refreshes us and it restores us, especially when we receive Him in the flesh because this is not just an intercourse of the heart (Holy Communion) but it is a unification of the body, soul and spirit within us receiving this Holy Seed, His Word and it is made flesh within us.  We enflesh it when we live out the fruit that begins to grow within the tabernacle of our person.  We are “possessed” means an enfleshment of this spiritual reality.  The body, soul and spirit is 3 in 1 or Trinitarian view of our personhood and He comes to us in a profound way in all three of these parts of our personhood.

 

God the Father gave Himself as a full, free, faithful and fruitful gift to the son and the Son openly received this gift and gave Himself to the father in this same way and the love between them IS the Holy Spirit.

 

The more your life revolves wholly, meaning is surrendering your all and everything (I surrender all) in its entirety at the foot of the tabernacle within you, this submission allows Him to possess us and conforms our will more perfectly to His.  Through this possession of our being, our tabernacle of our personhood then is possessed by the Holy Spirit and made manifest in intimate union (intercourse of the heart) with Jesus in the Eucharist.

 

When we are in His presence (Adoration) or receive Him in Holy Communion, a mystical restoration takes place through an intercourse of our person with God in His Three Persons, not just 1 of the three persons.  This brings new meaning to “you are what you eat”.

 

We need to be recharged, to receive and be filled to overflowing so that we can be filled so as to spill out to those who are desperate for their thirsts to be quenched.   It seems that intercourse of the heart with God is a profound way to do this and the purer the form of Him we receive the more capable we are to enflesh Him in and through our own lives, families, communities and friendships.  The more we do this the more we will increase in holiness.

 

I desire to be filled.  I desire to be capable of evangelizing in the way that Heidi Baker, founder of Iris Ministries declared in the foreword of Michelle Perry’s book LOVE HAS A FACE.  She said  “I have seen visions of a radical army of laid down lovers- a whole generation of those who are so full of passion and intimacy that they run into the darkness without fear to bring in the lost bride.”  What I have to say to that is this.  COME HOLY SPIRIT COME.

 

For more on this go to “Missionaries of Our Mother of The Eucharist.  The website is linked HERE.